January Blues


Perhaps it is the fact I spend my working days typing words that when it comes to my free time, making sense of those left in my mind becomes all the more difficult.  And yet I feel somewhat guilty that I have for so long, not written anything on these pages.

This is going to be one of those rambling musings on life and feelings that I can tell.  You may therefore wish to move along now and avoid being caught up in the sticky treacle as I dispense with what is going through my mind now.

So a New Year and time to reflect over the past decade perhaps, now I don’t want to be caught in the trap that I am somehow that bad off, or that my life is super shit (there are plenty of people out there with far more on their plate than I) but 2010 certainly was a ride that began with excitement and happiness, but ended in a feeling of being lost, trapped almost and as we’ve passed into 2011 the future is looking decidedly dull. Indeed I find myself thinking back to this time last year and comparing what was going on then, with what is (or is not) going on now perhaps I should really learn to stop comparing and worrying as much as I do.

How gloomy this all seems.  But you see just after the summer last year my father was diagnosed with Cancer that was bad enough, upsetting, shocking but there always seemed to be hope, just one more hurdle to overcome and indeed he has done very well through several operations to recover as he is now.  But until then my family and my relationship with them were somewhat different to ‘the norm’ in that whilst I live at home, I did not see my parents very often.  My father was either way working, or at his mothers flat that he has kept since here death some 25 years ago.  And if not there were at my parents other pad in Cambridgeshire.  So you see I was very used to my independence, space and freedom and have been quite happy with this since a teenager.

Having my parents at home 24/7 has caused me to feel somewhat trapped, as if my freedom and independence I have been so used to for so many years has suddenly gone overnight.  I know why this must be, and while I have sympathy and understanding for my fathers health I admit wishing him full recovery not just or his benefit but so I once again have my space and ‘home’ back.  Perhaps that is selfish of me to think.

Not everything has been dull and down however.  I’m used to talking to and meeting new people and it has to be said most of these people tend to be women, but in the latter part of 2010 something really rather out of the blue happened which, for how it came about was most original and in the most innocent of ways.  I’ll spare the details of how but suffice to say a series of events which lead to looking at photographs online, an email of compliment, Twitter and the sending of tweets and now good old fashion letters in the post has lead me to make friends with someone who is the most interesting and unique of women.  Both as talented in her capturing of images with a camera that make you stop and think,  to the depth of her writting.

I’ve not met her, nor even spoken to her over the phone and until recently had not heard even her voice.  This may seem  weird, but I think it is rather innocent in its ‘yesteryear’ ways of how now we communicate.  After all ,these days we have so many forms of communication between people, but how much do we value the communication we exchange between them?  The fact that her and I are going about communicating so differently to the ‘usual’ way makes it much more rewarding to receive such.  May it long continue.

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